Lord of the Crack
by MeyRevived2
Summary: A Series of short drabbles and sketches, from both book and movie versions of LOTR, with humorous intentions.
1. Aragorn Rants

**Disclaimer: **Lord of the Rings belongs to J.R.R Tolkien and not to myself. If there are any references to the movies it also does not belong to be but to Peter Jackson.

**Author's Notes: **First LoTR fic, do be patient and tolerant….please?

Also many thanks to my beta, Kitsunia.

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**Aragorn Rants**

You think it's easy being me!

It looks easy enough doesn't it? I mean what do you have to do to be me? Run around a little, lead everyone everywhere, heal people from time to time, give a few pep-talks, peel Boromir off of Frodo once in a while, swing the 'ol sword here and there and that's it, easy right?

_NOT! _

I run around a bit, true, and lead everyone everywhere and swing the 'ol sword etc. but it is **_not_** easy!

I like traveling you know, obviously I should, but I really _like_ it.

You know what's the cool thing about traveling? It's being outback, being all dirty and messy and grimy and behave that way!

I mean, here in the fellowship, we're all men aren't we? We're outback and on a mission and bloodthirsty and all, but do we behave like it!

Oh nooooo, Valars forbid we will, and why? Because we've got an elf along with us don't we, and you know how sensitive elves are to people being rude around them.

You can't sit around the campfire and belch after a good meal. You can't let one rip and make comments about the smell and how it sounded. You can't make a flamethrower from one of your 'little clouds' for laughs can you? You'll make the little Mirkwood princy-poo cry!

We're men aren't we? We've got our special equipment you know. And you know what it's like with these pants when they get all dirty or after a long ride and the weather is hot and you get sweaty and itchy and all…but you can't itch! Oh no, not around Legolas the Fair or you'll insult him. Last time I spat he started whimpering and gave me the evil eye all day long.

I swear that's what makes elves behave so posh towards us men; it's not really all the 'oh how greedy of power you are, how weak are your hearts' bullshit, it's because we make noises when food comes out of us and we can tolerate a day, or a week or a month without a good shower.

And you know why else we can't behave like men outback, being rough and wild? Because we can't talk dirty!

I mean take a bunch of men like us and give them a few lovely ladies once in a while, what will they do behind the ladies back when the nights are cold and you need something to distract yourself? Talk dirty about them! We're men after all aren't we?

You know why we can't do that?

Because all the ladies (accept for that beery bint of Samwise's) are these gallant, super-duper, royal maidens of supreme status and high lineage and you just can't make dirty jokes about them can you?

You can't sit around with 'ol Theoden and Eomar and all their good men and say "Damn that Eowyn, she's so frigid that if you want to cool your ale a bit all you need to do is put it between her legs! Ha ha!" they're all her relatives and they're going to chop my head off won't they?

You know what, forget _their_ loyal protection; she's tough enough on her own isn't she? She killed a Nazgul King, damn; she can give you a kick to the groin from hell!

Or, after seeing my fiancé Arwen, my men can't give me a healthy slap to the back and say "Way to go Aragorn my mate, you got yourself a good one eh. A nice, lovely, big breasted lady eh. Who said Elves were all lean and slim eh? Eh? Nudge nudge, wink wink".

Elrond will have those twins of his on them in no time! And according to what goes on in some of the fanfiction out there, you _DO_ _NOT_ want to have Elrond's twins _on_ you.

And Galadriel, oh my, one blond joke and you can kiss your brain goodbye when she blows it through your ears.

But you know what's most depressing? Leading the Fellowship.

Oh wait, did I just call it 'leading'? I meant babysitting!

Imagine having to lead eight idiots, each with their own quirk and disturbance, all the way from Rivendell to bloody Mordor with them rampaging around like the idiots they are.

And who is there to whip them into normal state? Me, that's who!

It's always "Stop hissing at Gimli, Legolas, it's not polite" or "Stop groping Frodo Boromir. Yes I know, you're not molesting him, you're searching for the ring but that's just as bad".

"Stop angsting Frodo, it's not all bad you know….at least stop angsting while gawking at things like that, you're big-ass eyes are giving us all the creeps now".

"Get your hands out of Frodo's pants Sam", "Get your hands out of Merry's pants Gandalf", "Get your hands out of Pippin's pants Merry", "Get your hands out of _**my** _pants Legolas!"

"For all that's good and sane Gimli, when you pick ticks and flees out of your beard stop throwing them at Legolas!"

And Pippin…..oh no….Pippin…..

"Don't go there Pippin!", "Stop that Pippin!", "Don't poke your head down that hole Pippin!", "Don't pick it up Pippin!", "Don't put it in your mouth Pippin, you don't know where it's been Pippin!", "It's Lembas Pippin, not biscuits, stop dipping them in your tea or you'll eat us into starvation!" "Don't press that button Pippin!" "_**Don't-throw-the-skeleton-down-that-well-Pippin**!_",

How come they never came up with Ritalin in Middle Earth, it would have saved me the headache!

Honestly, I'm going to kill someone if I'll spend another day with these jerks. And they want me to be king and be responsible for a whole land of them!

"ARRGH!"

What is it now?

"I'm not climbing on a horse one more time!"

It's Gimli bitching about riding to Edoras on horseback. Arda give me strength, I'm begging you.

Deep breath.

"What is it Gimli?"

"I said I'm not climbing another horse! I've had enough of it."

"But Gimli dear, we need to get to Minas Tirith and running all the way to it is just not happening. Remember how running day and night made you all wheezy and pissy when we went Orc hunting?" At least when he was wheezy he was quiet! Maybe we really should run all the way to the White City….

"….But I don't like riding on horses. I hate all the bouncing up and down all the time, my arse hurts for hours on end after every ride."

"Spare us the details, _please._"

"It's like that time when my cousin Rodin mistook me for one of our women."

"…….!"

"Mind you, pointy-ears here seems pretty used to it."

-Hiss-snarl-

That's it, I quit!

(end)


	2. Regarding Hobbits

**Disclaimer: **Lord of the Rings belongs to J.R.R Tolkien and not to myself. If there are any references to the movies it also does not belong to me, but to Peter Jackson.

**Author's Thanks: **Go to iluvJDS ('actually made me laugh'? is that so surprising?), The Goddess Diana (thank you! Here's some more for you), T.C the Savage (thank you!), Oozy Rat (what a name! and thank you!), To Whitesakura my preciousssssssss (here's where that joke makes more sense! I hope you'll still be reading this even if your LOTR fandom days are gone with the wind) and to Eleven Hope.

Also many, many thanks to my beta Cait!

**Author's Notes: **This chapter is completely aimed at the movie version because it points and laughs at something in the movie version.

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**Regarding Hobbits **

A Wizard, an Elf, a hobbit, another hobbit close by, a dwarf and two hobbits huddle together in a fit of giggles. Two men trail the end of the Fellowship's convoy. The Fellowship is making its way through Middle Earth on their way to the ominous Mordor.

Aragorn places a foot on a rock in his path, about to pull the rest of his body forward in order to put the rock behind him when he feels a heavy hand land on his shoulder.

He turns around to look at Boromir, whose eyes suddenly carry a strange spark.

Oh no, here it comes again….

Aragorn is well beyond the point of being able to listen to Boromir rave about his White City and how the Ring is a gift and what a good ring bearer he could be without wanting to charge at the man with his sword unsheathed.

"Aragorn….have you….errr….noticed something strange about the hobbits?"

Aragorn climbs the rock and shoots a strange look at Boromir. The man did say 'hobbitS' and not 'the hobbit' or 'the ring bearer' or 'Frodo' or anything. Perhaps he is referring to the other three as well. Perhaps this isn't another lunatic raving session….

"What about them?"

Boromir slows his walking pace so the two men are a bit separated from the other seven walkers. His eyes dart to the sides, forward to the all-hearing-all-seeing elf and the even-more-all-hearing-and-all-seeing-,-hell-he-can-even-see-through-your-clothes! Gandalf.

"The hobbits…..their accents…."

"…Their…accents…!"

"Yes, they're inconsistent."

"…!"

Noting his fellow man is now looking at him with eyes unclouded by the usual 'you're nuts Boromir, the Ring's eating at your brain, I really don't know why we keep you around anymore' mist, Boromir speaks on.

"See, they all come from the Shire right? And they've all grown in pretty much the same environment, right? So there's absolutely no reason why their accents shouldn't be the same, right?"

Aragorn nods faintly, searching the other man's face for traces of upcoming mouth foam like all the other times Boromir raved. Seeing there were none, he began listening more carefully.

"So how come Frodo, for example, has a kind of correct clean British English accent with a very faint slip towards American pronunciation, like he's forcing the British accent upon himself?

"Peregrin, on the other hand, has a natural accent that flows on perfectly. Only, his accent is _Scottish,_ isn't it? A very natural _Scottish_ accent from someone who grew up in the same place as Frodo the Oxford British English.

"Meriadoc, on the other hand, has a kind of unidentified semi- Scottish-semi-British-with-a-touch-of-German-but-actually-Yorkshir-ish accent that can really give someone a headache if you try to pin-point it."

Aragorn blinked incoherently, but nodded at Boromir's babble.

"Samwise has a kind of….well…..Dorset county originated accent that sounds fluent, but if you try to find its origins amongst the origins of the other hobbit's accents, it can confuse you."

Boromir stared at Aragorn, awaiting the man's response.

Aragorn blinked again. Then he mouthed a little. And frowned a little.

Another burst of ideas sprang through Boromir's mouth.

"And the orcs, their accent is really interesting," he threw his arm across Aragorn' shoulder and began leading them both forward after the rest of the Fellowship, giving their conversation a somewhat scholars-sharing-an-idea feeling.

"T-the orcs?"

"Yes, the little runty filthy ones."

"I thought they were all runty and filthy…"

"Yeah but that's besides the point, I'm talking about their accents now."

"What about their accents!"

"Cockney, all of them!"

"…!..."

"Whenever there's a scene with only orcs or a scene featuring several speaking orcs it's like something out of EastEnders! If I was cockney I'd be very insulted that someone….."

"Boromir…."

"Would think that just because in England…."

"Boromir…."

"They're perceived as 'working class'…."

"Boromir!"

"Uh….eh?"

Aragorn stopped their walking and faced Gondor's representative in the Fellowship. He placed two friendly hands on Boromir's shoulders and looked the man deep in the eyes, softly, and fatherly, not negatively at all.

"Now, Boromir, you've forgotten what I told you this morning; when you smoke Hobbit Weed for the first time it's _very important_ not to fully inhale into the lungs. You need to let your body get used to what you're putting into it."

Boromir gaped and blinked. Then he blinked again. The third time he blinked he closed his mouth and looked away. A slight frown indicated that he began realising what his leader tried telling him.

He turned his eyes to Aragorn.

"Oh….I see….."

Nodding, Aragorn let go of his fellow man and began walking forward again.

"You know," he heard Boromir call out from behind. He stopped and turned.

The Gondorian smiled softly.

"I was about to say something about those new green and pink highlights in your beard, but….I guess that's just the Hobbit Weed speaking, right?"

Smiling brightly, Aragorn nodded. He dealt Boromir a masculine heavy pat to the back and dragged the man along with him.

Half an hour later….

"Eh…Aragorn….I'm hungry….I want….hmm, something salty maybe….no, something sweet…..maybe both."

"It's called the munchies Boromir….. I've just had an epiphany regarding Pippin's behaviour."

(end)


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